Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
