OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
