I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
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