I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
