she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
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