Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
