you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
