Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
