i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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