PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
