i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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