Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
MIDGETS
????
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
