omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
