Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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