I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
