I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
