He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I love you. Go after that dick
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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