I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
