Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
