I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize