TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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