Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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