Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
