ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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