I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
