I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
