if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
