Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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