New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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