there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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