I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
