A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
She told me I should be a condom model.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize