it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
