A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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