I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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