Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
