You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
