the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
