you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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