Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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