I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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