Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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