Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
