I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
