After last night, I could never be a politician.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
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