1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
