Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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