you guys were way drunker than both of me
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Randomize
