I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
