dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize