I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
