I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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