I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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