I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
