Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
