I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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