She's JV to your varsity
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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