i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
