I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
