I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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