my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Randomize
