Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
