my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
