i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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