So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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