unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
