Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize