i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
